He's too young to be talking about death | Culture

He's too young to be talking about death

Our eight-year-old son is great. He is intelligent, beautiful, considerate and imaginative. He is everything I could have wanted in a child, and I tell him as much. What worries me is that he often bursts into tears for no apparent reason - although he is very good at talking about his feelings most of the time.

Most worryingly, he often says he wants to die. I don't believe that he does this to provoke a reaction as he is bright enough to see that he gets the same response from us every time - a confused mixture of worry, love and getting a little cross. He has very low self-esteem, despite having many interests and getting praise at both school and home - he gets a lot of positive attention from both his parents. I just don't understand why this is happening, except as a possible reaction to feeling different from other people. But don't most children feel like that?

He is such wonderful company and so good at school: this talk of death does not seem to fit with his personality. Isn't he a bit young to be thinking like this? I don't know where I have gone wrong, and I want very much to put whatever it is right before we end up with a very unhappy teenager. How can I do this?

You are not alone

It sounds as if you are loving, caring parents who have a good relationship with your son, and this probably means he feels able to be very honest with you. However, it is not always easy to understand the meaning behind what children say. Research shows that often when young people talk about wanting to die they are expressing a desire to escape from something which, in reality, is a temporary, albeit painful, situation. The key is to get behind your son's understanding of what death means and why he feels the way he does. Talking about difficult feelings is a big part of being able to understand and deal with them, but some people find it easier to express themselves through other means such as art, poetry, writing or games.

When any person talks about wanting to die it is important that those around them take these feelings seriously and give them time and space to explore their feelings without being judged. As parents, you have the ability to do this, but it is important to recognise that you are not alone. If you continue to be concerned, or if you want to talk about how this situation is making you feel, then please do contact Samaritans either by phone (08457 90 90 90), email (jo@samaritans.org) or post (Chris, PO Box 9090, Stirling FK8 2SA).
Pam Blackwood
Operations manager for UK and Ireland, Samaritans

The root cause may not be obvious

This struck a chord with me as my younger son is also very bright, sensitive and imaginative, yet suffers from low self-esteem and has had two bouts of being really unhappy. The first episode occurred when he was nine, and we eventually discovered that he was being systematically bullied at school by a group of older boys who took advantage of the fact that he cried easily. With the help of staff at the school, he came through it and he blossomed.

A similar thing happened when he was 12, doing well at school and getting on better with his older brother, who has been a hard act for him to follow. We racked our brains to think of why he should be, as he put it, "So sad and I don't know why!" After many discussions with him, we realised that he was more upset than any of us had understood by the death of my mother a few months before. He had not been particularly close to her, but his cosy childhood world had been rocked to its foundations. Some children have thinner skins than other people; this can make them more imaginative and creative, but it makes them vulnerable. It may be a good idea to look for a root cause of your son's unhappiness, which may not be as obvious as you think.
Name and address withheld

Being 'perfect' can be a strain

This little boy is identified as the perfect son by you, but you don't mention any friendships he has with his peers. I grew up in an intense family situation in which I was the focus of much attention, but with this came high expectations in terms of my behaviour and achievements. I was an exemplary child at home and school, but I think that from a young age I suffered from anxiety and depression. When I reached adulthood, I felt I didn't have a sense of my own identity, as my parents' projections on me had been so great.

Praise from one's parents is not a substitute for closeness and fun with friends at an age at which children are beginning to engage more with the outside world. Your son may lack selfesteem because he feels isolated from other children and is finding it a strain to be "perfect" to gain the approval of the adults in his life.
H, Newcastle

Other children can be cruel

Bright, kind and considerate children are particularly at risk of bullying. Children of your son's age can be extraordinarily cruel as they begin to explore, largely unconsciously, the natural hierarchies within their peer groups. Bright children often stand out from the crowd and kind children have often never learned how to defend themselves. Be prepared to spend a great deal of time carefully investigating what may be happening at your son's school and to act decisively and constructively as necessary.
Name and address withheld

What the expert thinks: Linda Blair

Death is a more common preoccupation among eight-year-olds than you might think; in fact it is so common that psychologists sometimes refer to it as "the eight-year anxiety".

When children are first introduced to the idea of death, they can only imagine it as a temporary and reversible state. Thus, preschoolers think that the dead can still eat, grow and speak. By the time they start school, they are beginning to understand that some events - death being one of them - cannot be undone. At about your son's age, they begin to realise that death is permanent and irreversible and that it will happen to everyone; this distresses some children unduly, and they ruminate on the subject and ask repetitive questions about it.

So what makes some children vulnerable to such a reaction? Temperamental sensitivity may contribute. As can a recent and distressing loss -for example, the death of a close relative or much-loved pet.

Another factor may be parental over-protection, which can lead to children feeling anxious and fearful and finding separation from their parents difficult. Such children may feel isolated from other children and have trouble making friends - is that what you mean when you say your son feels different from other people?

Fear of disappointing key adults in their lives may also contribute - you say you give your son lots of positive attention, but how do you give it to him? You say he's everything you could have wanted in a child and that it upsets you when he talks about death. You conclude that his talk of death must be because you've gone wrong. You may be giving your son the message that his behaviour determines the way you feel. This is an enormous responsibility for him to bear.

Consider the way you react when he talks about death: you give him a lot of attention and even if this isn't always positive, this focus on him is desirable to him. In a sense, you are rewarding him for expressing a wish to die.

So what can you do? Stop responding emotionally to his questions about death and treat them as you would any curiosity. Tell him what you believe to be the truth and then change the subject.

Take care how you praise him. Avoid saying things like "That makes me happy," or "You're everything I could want in a son". Instead, try "It was great to see how happy you were to win," or "I'll bet you're proud of yourself".

Encourage him to spend time with other children. Invite classmates to your home. If he doesn't have friends at school, find an out-of-school activity he could join.

Finally, stop expecting trouble. All children go through rough patches and if these are handled positively and lovingly, most will pass through them relatively unscathed. Expectations are powerful things, so it's best to use these to your advantage rather than to your detriment. Expect your son to come to terms with his current preoccupations - for his own peace of mind rather than for yours - and he's more likely to do so.

· Linda Blair is a clinical psychologist and an Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society.

Next week

I lost my mother four years ago to pancreatic cancer. Since then, I have lived in constant fear of the word "cancer", and worry endlessly that I will get it myself.

Over the past three years, I had developed headaches and was convinced that it was a brain tumour and went for an MRI scan, which showed up nothing. Then, I begged my family doctor to do tests on my liver and pancreatic enzymes this summer, both of which turned out to be within the normal range. After suffering from a bad sinus infection, I requested a chest x-ray because I was convinced that my bad cough was indicative of lung cancer. The x-ray was clear. Most recently, I have become agitated about the possibility of having stomach or colon cancer, as I have had diarrhoea and a pain on the left-hand side when I press on my stomach.

My husband is supportive, but I can see that he believes I am killing myself with the worry itself - I'm a nervous wreck. We have a wonderful life together and I want it to be a long one - but how can I learn to control my anxieties?

· Private Lives appears every Thursday. Each week we publish a letter to which readers are invited to respond. Replies should reach us by Tuesday. Readers are also welcome to propose other problems, of around 250 words in length. Write to: Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER. Alternatively, fax 020-7713 4366 or email (please do not send attachments).

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